I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
