so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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