I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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