Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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