theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
