I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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