This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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