Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
