If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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