Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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