I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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