Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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