WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
