Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
