Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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