Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
