Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
