If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
