I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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