I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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