i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
