Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
