uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
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