He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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