I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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