I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
