ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
