I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Randomize
