how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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