just tell him i said nine months
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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