Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
