Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
