I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
