My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
