ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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