You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
