since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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