im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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