i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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