then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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