JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
