my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
