In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
