Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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