What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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