i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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