in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
