At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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