My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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