Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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